Inez: Why did you hurt her like that?
Garcin: It was so easy. A word was enough to make her flinch. Like a sensitive plant. But never, never a reproach.

-

Jean-Paul Sartre - No Exit

better, better, better

Island by Aldous Huxley

It's dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly.
Learn to do everything lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though you're feeling deeply.
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.
I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig.
Lightly, lightly – it's the best advice ever given me.
When it comes to dying even.
Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic.
No rhetoric, no tremolos, no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell.  
And of course, no theology, no metaphysics.
Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light.  
So throw away your baggage and go forward.
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair.
That's why you must walk so lightly.
Lightly my darling, on tiptoes and no luggage, not even a sponge bag, completely unencumbered.

------

it is this lightness i know i should have, but do not want.

I can't write anymore.. Why?

Guilt
Confusion
Guilt
Inadequacy
Confusion
Confusion
Escapism

listen to what they're saying. 

speak not for validation.

how can they love someone who's so tiring to be with

how can they love someone who doesn't first accept herself

i want to tear my soul out of this cage, contracting, tensed
can't think at all or be productive in this state.

-

stay strong.
give me the permission to break apart for a little while

and then i will be strong.

no, hold yourself together.

-

your absence is something i can only accept.
emotions are pointless. devastating. pointless.

But there really is no reason.

~!@#$%6&*- is all. even then, much can be inferred.

it is odd to have friends, or to be associated with people. your friends are tagged to your identity, they're part of you. sometimes you stare at some of your friends and wonder why the hell you're friends. they seem so foreign. seem so foreign.

trust that they understand your odd thoughts, and vice versa. else you don't speak of them and assume you can still be great friends in other areas. people are so distant.